The Great Purge

*Disclaimer: I am not a writer.   By the time you reach midlife, you've likely had several experiences under your belt that have shaped where and who you are today.

         I stepped away from painting for close to twenty-five years. It was never my intention to take such an extended period away from something I have always loved. But sometimes life takes you on twists and turns that are unexpected, overwhelming or time-consuming. Or all the above. The paradox is that those are the times when you SHOULD be leaning into creative outlets. Lesson learned.

         We have all been thrown curveballs and I preach to my own young adult children that it’s not what happens to you in life, but how you react or deal with it that matters the most. I still struggle with this, but also know that this is the path towards growth and evolution. I have seen people whither and collapse at the slightest amount of stress thrown upon them and then others who seem to masterfully navigate and problem-solve their way out of whatever mess they’re in.

         When I think about all that time spent not creating art, I get mild pangs of guilt and panic. Time is not on our side, and I have so much I need to say, if only to myself. So while work and the day-ins and outs of life take precedent, sometimes all I need is to step into my studio for fifteen minutes and throw something down and then I’m ok. But I continue to have this nagging sense of needing to desperately purge all that has accumulated in my mind over the years. I had not allowed myself a place to put it all. It has been cathartic, but also dizzying. There are times when I feel incredibly tilted off my own axis. But this is the real growth that everyone talks about, isn't it? 

         Like most people my age, I have had some experiences where life ricocheted and hit the fan. But now I have finally returned to a haven for myself…with no guilt to be and create anything other than what I need and want it to be. There is no pressure to perform. And when you see the scratches and marks on my paintings, know that they are not there for aesthetic; they are simply my frustrations and my current mindset bubbling to the surface. They are an accumulation of my own history.